Self-Help Poll

Greetings, readers!
And we’re back! It’s been a while, and I am grateful for your patience and continued engagement despite the lack of book-related discussion for the last while. I hope you are all doing well and finding moments and spaces of contentment.
The usefulness of self-help techniques is wildly dependent on who we each are individually and what we find motivating. I asked you to submit to me any books that you’d read and enjoyed or which you’ve wanted to try out, and you most definitely delivered. I had over two dozen submissions across a vast array of subjects, styles, areas of life, and philosophies. Part of why it’s taken me a while to put it all together is due to checking out each book that was submitted and figuring out how to narrow it down to a poll-sized selection. I hope that you find something within these options that appeals to you, or at least that you think could spark a good conversation. I am deeply appreciative of the number of perspectives and experiences that you bring to our discussions, and I’m hopeful that this theme and its subsequent conversations will provide an opportunity to feel les alone, stuck, overwhelmed, or ashamed of who we are and what space we occupy in the world.
Many of these books are quite short, so I hope it will be a good transition back into the swing of things. Any thoughts on what genre/theme you’d like to explore next? Shoot me or the WhatsApp group a message!
I’m giving you until Tuesday evening to vote, at which point I’ll post the results. Our first discussion will take place on Saturday, May 18, with the second meeting on June 1st.
You may vote for two books. 😊
Happy reading!

Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport

Goodreads Choice Award Nominee for Best Science & Technology (2019)
Minimalism is the art of knowing how much is just enough. Digital minimalism applies this idea to our personal technology. It’s the key to living a focused life in an increasingly noisy world.

In this timely and enlightening book, the bestselling author of Deep Work introduces a philosophy for technology use that has already improved countless lives.

Digital minimalists are all around us. They’re the calm, happy people who can hold long conversations without furtive glances at their phones. They can get lost in a good book, a woodworking project, or a leisurely morning run. They can have fun with friends and family without the obsessive urge to document the experience. They stay informed about the news of the day, but don’t feel overwhelmed by it. They don’t experience “fear of missing out” because they already know which activities provide them meaning and satisfaction.

Now, Newport gives us a name for this quiet movement, and makes a persuasive case for its urgency in our tech-saturated world. Common sense tips, like turning off notifications, or occasional rituals like observing a digital sabbath, don’t go far enough in helping us take back control of our technological lives, and attempts to unplug completely are complicated by the demands of family, friends and work. What we need instead is a thoughtful method to decide what tools to use, for what purposes, and under what conditions.

Drawing on a diverse array of real-life examples, from Amish farmers to harried parents to Silicon Valley programmers, Newport identifies the common practices of digital minimalists and the ideas that underpin them. He shows how digital minimalists are rethinking their relationship to social media, rediscovering the pleasures of the offline world, and reconnecting with their inner selves through regular periods of solitude. He then shares strategies for integrating these practices into your life, starting with a thirty-day “digital declutter” process that has already helped thousands feel less overwhelmed and more in control.

Technology is intrinsically neither good nor bad. The key is using it to support your goals and values, rather than letting it use you. This book shows the way.

Notable review by Meredith B

5 Stars!

Where we want to be cautious . . . is when the sound of a voice or a cup of coffee with a friend is replaced with ‘likes’ on a post.

Read. This. Book. Have you ever told someone in your life you just didn’t have enough time in the day to get everything done? Have you thought about why that is? Maybe look down and see what you’ve been doing for the last 5, 10 or even 60 minutes. Probably scrolling through your phone. Sometimes with intention but sadly a lot of the time we are on our phones because of we are boredom or we are addicted and fear FOMO.

A little background before I get into this book and why it’s very important. I’ve always been into tech. I started at a young age, went to college and got a Web Dev/Interactive Media degree and I’ve had jobs in Digital Marketing, Email Marketing and now Cyber Security. I use tech each and everyday so you may be asking why I think this book is so important and questioning why I agree there is a problem? Well because I started to notice it in my own life and around me. I’d go meet a friend and they’d sit there scrolling through their phone while i’m trying to talk to them. I’ve watched family members sit on their phones while we’re supposed to be “spending time” together. I looked around my train car the last couple days at 95% of people sat there scrolling through their phones and most of it was social media, not work. I watch families of 4 go out to eat and all 4 (parents and kids) are on their phones. Why bother going out? I know you may thinking well that’s their choice and I agree but I personally don’t want to lose human interaction to my phone or my time to my phone/other tech. Mindless scrolling because I’m bored or that I’m afraid I’m going to miss out just isn’t worth my mental health or relationships.

I also started to recently feel depressive and sad feelings while being on social media. It made me feel sad watching others thrive in their life and I felt insignificant in a way. The “Facebook effect” is real and I firsthand have felt it. Just remember there was once a time when we didn’t have all this tech or phones and we were more connected, less anxious and we still survived. I realize I’m typing this on a digital site and it has to be read here but just hear me out…

DIGITAL MINIMALISM takes us through different steps that you can go through to become a digital minimalist. What is one you ask? “They’re the calm, happy people who can hold long conversations without furtive glances at their phones. They can get lost in a good book, a woodworking project, or a leisurely morning run. They can have fun with friends and family without the obsessive urge to document the experience. They stay informed about the news of the day, but don’t feel overwhelmed by it. They don’t experience “fear of missing out” because they already know which activities provide them with meaning and satisfaction.”

Newport takes us through almost “detoxing” yourself from doing tech activities without intention. So if you spend 2 hours a day on facebook, try taking it off your phone so you can get over the urge of automatically opening it and then set aside specific time to go on it and try to use it with high intention so that you really get something out of it. Technology is not good or bad and Cal is actually a Computer Scientist, it’s moreso about how we use it and how we can change that to be more healthy.

I personally made a few changes – my husband and I do not look at our phones during dinner or any meal together. In fact, I try to leave my phone in the car or at home as much as I can. I put on night mode at night. I put my phone farther away at night. I turned off almost all phone notifications. The next step is to delete some low intention (social media) apps.

If you are ready to take back control of your time and not feel like you need your phone attached to you every second then definitely read this book. It’s simple but powerful and it has a lot of interesting studies/background on technology as a whole. I personally love technology (it is my job after all!) but I’m ready to use it more intentionally then mindlessly and strengthen my human face-to-face connections rather than hoovering behind a screen. I think my neck, thumbs and hands will probably thank me too!

What Falls from the Sky: How I Disconnected from the Internet and Reconnected with the God Who Made the Clouds by Esther Emery

Esther Emery was a successful playwright and theater director, wife and mother, and loving it all – until, suddenly, she wasn’t. When a personal and professional crisis of spectacular extent leaves her reeling, Esther is left empty, alone in her marriage, and grasping for identity that does not define itself by busyness and a breakneck pace of life. Something had to be done. What Falls from the Sky is Esther’s fiercely honest, piercingly poetic account of a year without Internet – 365 days away from the good, the bad, and the ugly of our digital lives – in one woman’s desperate attempt at a reset. Esther faces her addiction to electronica, her illusion of self-importance, and her longing to return to simpler days, but then the unexpected happens. Her experiment in analog is hijacked by a spiritual awakening, and Esther finds herself suddenly, inexplicably drawn to the faith she had rejected for so long. Ultimately, Esther’s unplugged pilgrimage brings her to a place where she finally finds the peace – and the God who created it – she has been searching for all along. What Falls from the Sky offers a path for you to do the same. For all the ways the Internet makes you feel enriched and depleted, genuinely connected and wildly insufficient, What Falls from the Sky reveals a new way to look up from your screens and live with palms wide open in a world brimming with the good gifts of God.

Notable review by Jada

I was wary of this book being that it was published by a Christian imprint and marketed as a Christian book. And with “God” in the title, I thought there was good chance it would be heavy on the religion. And that’s really not my bag. But I’ve been following Esther Emery and her family on YouTube as they lived in their yurt and built their house, and I knew that her religious life really never crept into those videos. I’ve watched some of her videos on her personal channel and read some posts on her website, so I knew that Christianity was important to her. For whatever reasons I’d suspected that her husband was supportive but maybe wasn’t all that interested — it was always a little unclear and maybe still is. Anyway, my point is that I trusted Esther. I trusted that even though this book was marketed Christian that she wasn’t going to get preachy. I trusted that she knew how to talk to people that either aren’t that interested in religion or are more or less quite against it. I trusted that she was going to simply tell her story, and she really is a great storyteller. I was very impressed with this book, though not surprised since I’ve come to know what an open person Esther can be. She did an excellent job of sharing (a part of) her story. She really bares some intimate stuff. I’m not talking scandalous; I’m talking deeply personal feelings, thoughts, internal struggles. These are the things that make me love reading memoirs. Her metaphors are fantastic. I have never cried so many times while reading one book. I really wish it was longer. I would have loved to read more. Keep writing, Esther!

It bums me out that this book appears to be “a Christian book” because I think that a wider audience would really enjoy it and would likely have no problem with anything in this book relating to her personal experiences with religion and Christianity.

I gave it 4 stars because there was only a little room for improvement. There were a few sections where I found myself disoriented, not knowing who or what Esther was referring to for several sentences or paragraphs, but this was rare.

Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brené Brown

Goodreads Choice AwardWinner for Best Nonfiction (2022)
In Atlas of the Heart, Brown takes us on a journey through eighty-seven of the emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human. As she maps the necessary skills and an actionable framework for meaningful connection, she gives us the language and tools to access a universe of new choices and second chances—a universe where we can share and steward the stories of our bravest and most heartbreaking moments with one another in a way that builds connection.

Over the past two decades, Brown’s extensive research into the experiences that make us who we are has shaped the cultural conversation and helped define what it means to be courageous with our lives. Atlas of the Heart draws on this research, as well as on Brown’s singular skills as a storyteller, to show us how accurately naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding, meaning, and choice.

Brown shares, “I want this book to be an atlas for all of us, because I believe that, with an adventurous heart and the right maps, we can travel anywhere and never fear losing ourselves.”

Notable review by Regina

Atlas of the Heart is a beautiful reference book that would look lovely on a coffee table or guestroom night stand. It’s full of images and diagrams and the like, which make it quite different from Brené Brown’s previous publications. When I first saw it in stores I was a little bummed, because I always listen to her read her own audiobooks and thought there’s no way Atlas could be translated to that format.

But she did it! In the audiobook, she re-reads passages that were written in bold in the book to really emphasize them, describes illustrations so listeners can easily picture them, and also includes a PDF for reference. Her narration style is casual and conversational. She’s a pro at engaging listeners.

If you’re still with me but are like, cool, who the heck is Brené Brown, I got you. Dr. Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston where she studies courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, and is the author of five #1 New York Times bestsellers. Her TED talk – The Power of Vulnerability – is one of the top five most viewed TED talks in the world.

Her books are often shelved as “self help,” but that never feels right to me. Now self AWARENESS on the other hand is perfectly apt. Her research illuminates the commonality of the human existence, especially the parts people don’t really want to talk about.

Atlas of the Heart can be best described as a dictionary of emotional terms, such as illuminating the differences between envy and jealousy. If etymology and semantics don’t interest you, boredom will likely set in. I will always read (listen to) every book Dr. Brown writes, but her latest is possibly too advanced for those new to her and her work. It’s a great road map for emotional nuances, but not the best on-ramp to the Brené Brown journey of self awareness.

Blog: https://www.confettibookshelf.com/

Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller

How traumatic events can break our vital connections and how to restore love, wholeness, and resiliency in your life.

From our earliest years, we develop an attachment style that follows us through life, replaying in our daily emotional landscape, our relationships, and how we feel about ourselves. And in the wake of a traumatic event–such as a car accident, severe illness, loss of a loved one, or experience of abuse–that attachment style can deeply influence what happens next.

In The Power of Attachment , Dr. Diane Poole Heller, a pioneer in attachment theory and trauma resolution, shows how overwhelming experiences can disrupt our most important connections, with the parts of ourselves within, with the physical world around us, and with others.

The good news is that we can restore and reconnect at all levels, regardless of our past.

Here, you’ll learn key insights and practices to help

• Restore the broken connections caused by trauma
• Get embodied and grounded in your body
• Integrate the parts of yourself that feel wounded and fragmented
• Emerge from grief, fear, and powerlessness to regain strength, joy, and resiliency
• Reclaim access to your inner resources and spiritual nature

“We are fundamentally designed to heal,” teaches Dr. Heller. “Even if our childhood is less than ideal, our secure attachment system is biologically programmed in us, and our job is to simply find out what’s interfering with it―and learn what we can do to make those secure tendencies more dominant.”

With expertise drawn from Dr. Heller’s research, clinical work, and training programs, this book invites you to begin that journey back to wholeness.

Notable review by Lorena

The best thing about this book is the author’s gentle, reassuring tone. I’ve read other books on attachment theory that explain the attachment styles and provide relationship advice, but this is the first book that really made me feel like there is nothing wrong with those of us who have an insecure attachment style. I love how the author often writes in first person plural point of view (“When we grow up with an avoidant adaptation” or “Those of us with an ambivalent attachment style”), creating a sense of inclusion and acceptance. It makes this subject so much easier to read about.

This book describes all four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and the often-neglected disorganized style. The author explains that these styles are on a continuum and can be quite fluid, changing over time and within different contexts. She maintains that anyone can learn how to function more securely and enjoy a happy relationship. To that end, she provides tips and exercises for working on your own attachment issues as well as learning how to understand and get along better with people of different attachment styles. Importantly, she also provides some suggestions for when it may be best to move on from a relationship.

This book was easy to understand and emphasized a hopeful message that intimate connection is everyone’s birthright. I recommend this book for anyone interested in improving their relationships, or for counselors who want to help clients with attachment issues.

I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review. Because I have not seen the final published version, I cannot comment on the final editing and formatting.

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

From leading psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff comes a step-by-step guide explaining how to be more self-compassionate and achieve your dreams in life

The relentless pursuit of high self-esteem has become a virtual religion—and a tyrannical one at that. Our ultracompetitive culture tells us we need to be constantly above average to feel good about ourselves, but there is always someone more attractive, successful, or intelligent than we are. And even when we do manage to grab hold of high self-esteem for a brief moment, we can’t seem to keep it. Our sense of self-worth goes up and down like a ping-pong ball, rising and falling in lockstep with our latest success or failure.

Fortunately, there is an alternative to self-esteem that many experts believe is a better and more effective path to happiness: self-compassion. The research of Dr. Kristin Neff and other leading psychologists indicates that people who are compassionate toward their failings and imperfections experience greater well-being than those who repeatedly judge themselves. The feelings of security and self-worth provided by self-compassion are also highly stable, kicking in precisely when self-esteem falls down. This book powerfully demonstrates why it’s so important to be self-compassionate and give yourself the same caring support you’d give to a good friend.

This groundbreaking work will show you how to let go of debilitating self-criticism and finally learn to be kind to yourself. Using solid empirical research, personal stories, practical exercises, and humor, Dr. Neff—the world’s foremost expert on self-compassion—explains how to heal destructive emotional patterns so that you can be healthier, happier, and more effective. Engaging, highly readable, and eminently accessible, this book has the power to change your life.

Notable review by AJW

A good book on a very important topic for me. Self-compassion is learning to love ourselves as we aspire to love those dear to us. It is not loving ourselves as being superior to others (i.e. believing I am better than you and special). I have periods when I hate myself, and most of the time I don’t like who I am, so this was a challenging read. I have read a couple of research papers by Kristen Neff so I know this book is written on sound psychological principles. It is not a self-help book written by a positive thinking guru looking to make a fast buck. Kristen Neff courageously shows how she applied the lessons of self-compassion to her own life with searing honesty. My only criticism is that I found it hard to relate to the personal examples given of applying the lessons of self-compassion as they all seem to come from a rather narrow (and comparatively privileged) strata of society. I would loved to have read far more examples of how self-compassion can help those from oppressed minority groups. But this criticism doesn’t invalidate the message of the book. There are insights from this book that I’m going to carry around in my heart and mind for the rest of my life.

How to Keep House While Drowning by K.C. Davis

How to Keep House While Drowning will introduce you to six life-changing principles that will revolutionize the way you approach home care—without endless to-do lists. Presented in 31 daily thoughts, this compassionate guide will help you begin to get free of the shame and anxiety you feel over home care. Inside you will learn: · How to shift your perspective of care tasks from moral to functional; · How to stop negative self-talk and shame around care tasks; · How to give yourself permission to rest, even when things aren’t finished; · How to motivate yourself to care for your space.
How to Keep House While Drowning will introduce you to six life-changing principles that will revolutionize the way you approach home care—without endless to-do lists. Presented in 31 daily thoughts, this compassionate guide will help you begin to get free of the shame and anxiety you feel over home care.

Inside you will learn:
· How to shift your perspective of care tasks from moral to functional;
· How to stop negative self-talk and shame around care tasks;
· How to give yourself permission to rest, even when things aren’t finished;
· How to motivate yourself to care for your space.

Notable review by Cindy

Bumping up to 5 stars because the book came for my neck. Quote to prove it: “When you view care tasks as moral, the motivation for completing them is often shame. When everything is in its place, you don’t feel like a failure. If you are completing the care tasks with a motivation of shame, you are also probably relaxing in shame too, because care tasks never end and you view rest as a reward.” Though I wasn’t struggling with house care and chores and therefore probably won’t follow her suggestions, I still found this book helpful for my unhealthy relationship to productivity. I appreciated the radical perspectives she brought forth about how laziness doesn’t exist and that care tasks are morally neutral. Listening to the audiobook was like a gentle embrace!

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